I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters