Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.