She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.