you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Send us your Text From Last Night!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.