Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.