His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
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My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.