I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off