This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.