Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
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So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.