Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?