Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
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We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.