The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
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I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.