She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.