after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"