Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
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I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.