i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
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I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
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im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.