So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it