hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.