you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't have enough holes for all these australians