I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?