The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january