those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"