Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
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i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.