I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dating After Heartbreak
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.