A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...