hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.