My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.