I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.