The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"