The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"