you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.