you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.