The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.