Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!