Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win