Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can you bring me the toilet please
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?