they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
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I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party