We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.