Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.