Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
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i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage