Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.