This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far