This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far