Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.