why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.