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Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
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