I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever