I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my sisters under your porch take her home
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!