Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan