I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
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Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call