We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.