happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..