If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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