Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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