You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
