went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
