So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
