My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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