He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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