I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
